I’m from Cork, boy

A handsome, well-dressed man enters a room. His demeanour suggests confidence, and it radiates off of him. Without saying a single word, he has somehow captivated the entire room. His chin is chiselled, his hair thick and flowing. The swagger of his walk is equal parts relaxed and urgent. He is both everything and nothing. He almost floats as he makes his way toward to counter at the back of the room, the entire room’s eyes are on him. He smiles at the clerk with perfect teeth and utters “Can I get two Americanos to go please, BOOOOY?”

And just like that the magic is gone. The man’s suaveness and angelic quality is stripped from him like a plaster. He is no longer God-like. He is just a man. This man is from Cork you see, and his accent is so terrible, his use of ‘Boy’ so unnecessary and so out of place, that it ruins any and all redeeming qualities that he may hold. The Cork accent, and the inexplicable use of the word ‘Boy’, has been the Achilles heel of thousands of Cork people for centuries.

There is no good reason that the people of cork put boy at the end of sentences and questions. It hangs on the end, elongated and awkward, piercing the air and almost bursting the eardrums of anyone within earshot. It has no communicative use. It’s just a random word that fills the gaps between sentences. It’s used in a plethora of circumstances. It comes hurtling through the air at the end of statements, questions, exclamations. Sometimes it’s used on its own to get the attention of a near-by Boy. It’s natural and inherent for the majority of Cork born people to have this utterly pointless word dominate the vocabulary once adulthood is reached.

This colloquial boy does more damage than one would think for the unassuming people of Cork. I guarantee, you know very few people from Cork who you’d consider a good public speaker. There are no nationally renowned rappers from Cork. The accent doesn’t allow for gracious speech. We are destined to mumble and almost sing everything we say. There is no room for the Cork accent in the modern world. Voice recognition software is futile and pointless. Nothing is ever picked up correctly. There is no version of any digital voice that would ever need the word boy flung at the end of a sentence for no particular reason.

It’s mad, how one consistently weird accent can be the downfall of 1000 good men. If you have an interview and are cursed with a Cork accent you’re probably not getting the job. But that’s just the way it is, boy.

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