“The greater the session, the greater the hangover”.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That’s science bitch. So, it comes as no surprise that the greatest nights of your life are followed by the worst days you can experience. Hangovers, man. Self-inflicted agony. I imagine Hell as being the worst, most brutal hangover for all of eternity.
You wake up, on the morning after the night before, in the most confused state of mind imaginable. For the first ten or so seconds of consciousness you don’t have a fucking clue where you are, or what happened, or who the fuck you even are. This confused state is quickly overshadowed by the realization that if you don’t drink water within the next 30 seconds there’s a good chance you’ll complete your transformation into a bag of hungover sand. Hangovers are bad enough without the struggle to remain hydrated. What makes this even crueller is that, after a heavy session, water is basically impossible to drink. Every sip brings a new wave of nausea and the potential for projectile vomiting. You might as well be trying to drink petrol the shit is so toxic.
Right, so we got through waking up. The first ten minutes of your next 16 hours are over. At this point you probably question the existence of God. You think you know a ‘hangover cure’. Let me tell you right now you absolutely fucking don’t. There is no such thing. All you can do is pray you eat something that doesn’t make you feel worse, which is like a million to 1 chance of happening. You eat, you feel worse, more questioning the role of God in all this, followed by a direct route back to bed.
The key to surviving any hangover is spending as little time on your own as possible. Time spent along is ample opportunity for ‘The Fear’ to creep in. The Fear consists of a number of different factors, including but not limited to, questioning what you did the night before, wondering if you did anything embarrassing or cringy (you did.), questioning what you’re doing with your life, deciding you’re a terrible waste of a human being etc. The Fear causes poor decision making in most people, such as talking to your ex in order to feel better. Therefore, it is imperative that you spend the majority of your hungover day with at least one other individual who is just as hungover as you are. There’s strength in numbers, folks.
As the day comes to a close, most of your hangover symptoms are all but gone. The fear persists until you go to sleep but you probably don’t feel as sick anymore. However, as the day grows longer, your lack of sleep becomes more evident. You can barely concentrate on anything and find yourself unable to follow simple conversation. On top of that, you can’t form a basic sentence and the people around you nod politely while moving steadily away from you toward the nearest exit. At this point, it’s clear that you’ve reached a state of ‘Bate-ness’ that no normal human can survive. No matter what time of day it is, this is the biggest indicator that you need a fucking nap. Naptime is key to surviving the most basic of hangovers.
Once the day is over, you’ll be glad to see your trustworthy, never-been-anything-but-faithful bed, as you crash into it with no intention to take off any of your clothes. However, your hangover has one more sick and twisted card to play. You won’t feel tired as soon as your head hits the pillow. You’ll spend the next 3 hours binge-watching some below par show on Netflix before finally falling asleep. You’ll wake the next day exhausted and confused. This is the hangover’s final attempt to survive more than one day. For the love of God, if you take anything away from this post, GO STRAIGHT TO FUCKING SLEEP, or else enjoy a second day of a less intense hangover.
There’s no denying it, hangovers are top 5 in the First World’s Greatest Problems. But you know what? Can’t bate the sesh.