So this is a new feeling for me. I never used to get anxious before but recently I’ve been getting little moments in the day where I get really panicky. It ends pretty quickly and, when it is over, I can rationalise the way I was thinking and make myself feel better. It always starts in my stomach for me. It’s weird, anxiety feels like your heart is about to burst out if your chest, while at the same time feels like everything is just gonna stop and go dark. Your thoughts get really erratic as well, bouncing from one terrible outcome to another, with no real consideration as to whether that outcome will happen or not. In your head, every single situation is as likely to occur as the next.
I’ve been trying to figure out why, all of a sudden, I’ve started to get anxiety now. You’d think, having no college work to deal with and just being able to concentrate on basketball that I’d be the most comfortable I can be right now, but I’m not. I’m conflicted because, although I’m not sure what I wanna do next, I feel like I’m not moving forward; I’m stagnant. And to me, if you’re not moving forward you’re moving backwards. Every time someone tells me about something to do with their next move, got accommodation sorted, moving there in X amount of weeks etc., this triggers my anxiety because, even though I am genuinely happy for them, it highlights even more the fact that I’m not doing anything.
Still the conflict remains; I wanna move forward but have no idea what I want to move forward to. The year out makes sense right now for me. I just need to stop worrying about it.
Anxiety is always painted as a bad thing but I’m kinda starting to think about it in an optimistic way. I get anxiety over two main things: the whole life/college/purpose thing, and I get social anxiety quite a bit (For reals). So to me, getting anxiety in both these arenas tells me that both those things must have serious importance to me whether I realise it or not. Getting anxious is just like an indicator that tells me ‘You need to focus more on this area‘ and that’s actually kind of handy. I know it’s scary at the time, but being anxious can actually be helpful every now and then too.
Just some thoughts on that, hopefully it makes sense for at least one other person reading.